My Child Doesn’t Want to See Their Other Parent – What Should I Do?

What happens when your child says they don’t want to go?

It’s Friday afternoon. Your child is due to spend the weekend with their other parent, but suddenly says “I don’t want to go”.

Perhaps they’re upset, refusing to get ready or becoming increasingly anxious as the time approaches. You might wonder whether to encourage them to go, listen to their wishes or speak to your former partner about changing the arrangements.

As a parent, you want to protect your child’s feelings. However, you may also worry about damaging their relationship with their other parent or making an already difficult situation worse.

When your child doesn’t want to see their other parent after separation or divorce, where do you begin?

The first step is to understand why your child feels this way.

Why doesn’t my child want to see their other parent?

Children struggle with arrangements after separation for many different reasons. Sometimes their reluctance has little to do with the parent themselves.

For example, your child might:

• Feel unsettled by moving between two homes.
• Miss their familiar surroundings, friends or activities.
• Struggle to adjust to different household routines.
• Worry about leaving one parent alone.
• Feel caught between parents who find communication difficult.
• Dislike changes in the other parent’s household, such as a new partner.
• Feel uncomfortable, frightened or unsafe because of something they have experienced.

Older children may also want more independence and flexibility. As friendships, school commitments and social activities become more important, existing arrangements might no longer suit their needs.

Sometimes there is no obvious explanation. A child who previously enjoyed spending time with both parents may suddenly become reluctant to leave home.

Rather than assuming that your child is being difficult or that your former partner is responsible, try to understand what has changed.

What should I do when my child refuses to go?

Start by listening, rather than immediately trying to solve the problem.

Choose a quiet moment when your child feels comfortable talking. Ask gentle, open questions and give them time to explain how they’re feeling.

You might say:

“I’ve noticed you’ve been unhappy about going to Mum’s/Dad’s recently. Can you help me understand what’s worrying you?”

Try not to suggest answers or ask questions that make your child feel they must take sides.

If something concerns you, listen carefully and take their feelings seriously. In particular, avoid repeatedly questioning your child if they describe something that may involve abuse or harm. Instead, seek appropriate professional advice.

Your child might not know how to explain their feelings straightaway. Give them time and reassure them that they can talk to you.

Above all, remind your child that they do not have to resolve disagreements between their parents.

Should I make my child see their other parent if they don’t want to?

Every family has different circumstances, so there isn’t one answer that works for everyone.

Your child’s wishes and feelings matter. However, their age, understanding, circumstances and safety also play an important part in deciding what should happen next.

For example, a six-year-old who feels unsettled about leaving home may need a different approach from a fifteen-year-old who has strong views about the arrangements.

If your child finds transitions between homes difficult, extra reassurance or a more predictable routine might help.

Sometimes a small change makes a difference. Perhaps an earlier handover, a shorter visit or a different collection arrangement would ease the situation.

However, if your child feels frightened or describes behaviour that raises concerns about their safety, you need to take those concerns seriously before considering how contact should continue.

Avoid turning the situation into a confrontation or physically forcing a distressed child to go. Equally, try not to make your child responsible for deciding the arrangements.

Instead, focus on understanding their needs and finding an appropriate way forward.

At what age can a child refuse to see their other parent?

Many parents assume that children can decide for themselves once they reach a particular age.

However, there is no single age at which a child’s wishes automatically determine contact arrangements in England and Wales.

When considering child arrangements, the family court takes account of a child’s wishes and feelings in light of their age and understanding. The court also considers other factors relating to their welfare.

Generally, older children have stronger views about how they spend their time. As they mature, those views often carry greater weight.

Nevertheless, a child’s wishes do not automatically determine the outcome.

Younger children may need more reassurance and support when moving between homes. Teenagers, meanwhile, may want greater flexibility to accommodate friendships, schoolwork and other activities.

If your older child increasingly resists existing arrangements, consider whether those arrangements still meet their needs.

What if my child says they never want to see their other parent again?

Hearing your child say they never want to see their other parent can feel upsetting, especially if they previously enjoyed a close relationship.

The other parent may also feel deeply hurt or rejected.

Before assuming the situation is permanent, consider what might be behind your child’s words. Children sometimes express strong feelings when they feel overwhelmed, angry or unsettled.

However, don’t simply dismiss repeated or persistent refusal as a phase.

Ask yourself whether something has changed in their relationship with the other parent. Your child might also need additional emotional support.

Where it is safe and appropriate, rebuilding the relationship may involve taking smaller steps.

For example, you could explore shorter visits, more predictable routines or different ways of staying in touch.

Any changes should reflect your child’s needs and the reasons for their reluctance. If safeguarding concerns exist, seek appropriate advice before attempting to rebuild contact.

What happens if we already have a Child Arrangements Order?

A Child Arrangements Order sets out arrangements for where a child lives or when they spend time with another person.

If the court has made an order, it remains legally binding unless the court changes or discharges it. A child’s refusal does not automatically cancel the arrangements.

However, children’s circumstances can change over time.

If the existing arrangements no longer work, try to understand why. Where it is safe to do so, you and your former partner may be able to discuss possible changes.

For example, you might agree to adjust collection times or introduce a different routine. However, an informal agreement does not itself change the terms of a court order.

If you both agree to longer-term changes, consider obtaining legal advice about whether to ask the court to approve a revised order.

Where agreement proves impossible, one parent may need to apply to the court to vary the existing arrangements.

What if you have concerns about your child’s safety?

Don’t ignore those concerns simply because a court order exists. Seek appropriate safeguarding and legal advice promptly, particularly if you believe your child faces an immediate risk of harm.

You can also find further information about changing or enforcing a Child Arrangements Order on GOV.UK.

How can I discuss the problem with my child’s other parent?

When a child refuses contact, parents can quickly find themselves in another disagreement.

One parent may believe the child is genuinely unhappy. Meanwhile, the other might suspect that someone is discouraging the relationship.

Unfortunately, accusations often make a difficult situation worse.

Where communication is safe, try to focus on your child’s experiences rather than who is to blame.

For example, instead of saying:

“She doesn’t want to see you anymore.”

You might say:

“She’s been finding the changeovers difficult recently. I think we need to understand what’s upsetting her and consider what might help.”

This approach encourages both parents to focus on the problem rather than defend their positions.

You could also discuss whether the current arrangements still suit your child’s age, activities and changing needs.

Neither parent needs to have all the answers immediately. However, listening and considering different options can help you find a way forward.

If your relationship involved domestic abuse, coercive control or intimidation, direct discussions may not be safe. In those circumstances, seek specialist support before attempting to negotiate changes.

Can family mediation help if my child doesn’t want to see their other parent?

When parents disagree about contact arrangements, family mediation may offer a way forward.

As an accredited family mediator, I help separated parents discuss difficult issues affecting their children, including situations where a child feels reluctant to spend time with one parent.

My role is not to persuade your child to change their mind or decide which parent is right.

Instead, I help you explore the difficulties, understand each other’s concerns and consider practical arrangements that may better meet your child’s needs.

During mediation, we might discuss:

• What could be contributing to your child’s reluctance?
• Do the existing arrangements still meet their needs?
• Would different handover arrangements or routines help?
• How can you communicate without increasing pressure on your child?
• Might your child benefit from additional professional support?

Sometimes parents discover that relatively small changes could improve the situation. In other cases, they may need to reconsider the arrangements more extensively.

What about your child’s own views?

In suitable circumstances, child-inclusive mediation may give children an opportunity to express their wishes and feelings directly to a specially trained mediator.

However, this approach requires appropriate safeguarding, assessment and consent. It does not place responsibility for making decisions on the child.

Where appropriate, I can explain child-inclusive mediation and signpost you to a suitably qualified professional.

Mediation will not suit every family, particularly where safety concerns make the process inappropriate.

You can read more about Children Arrangements Mediation and how it may help separated parents.

What if my former partner won’t discuss changing the arrangements?

Perhaps you’ve already tried explaining the problem, but your former partner doesn’t agree that anything needs to change.

You might feel frustrated, particularly if your child becomes increasingly distressed about spending time with them.

Rather than continuing an unproductive disagreement, consider whether a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM) could help you explore your options.

A MIAM is an individual meeting with an accredited family mediator. During the appointment, you can explain your circumstances, discuss any safeguarding concerns and find out whether mediation might be suitable.

Importantly, you don’t need your former partner’s agreement to attend your own MIAM.

If mediation isn’t appropriate or you cannot reach an agreement, you may need independent legal advice or assistance through the family court.

How can I help my child feel more secure after separation?

Separation often brings considerable changes to a child’s everyday life. Even when parents remain amicable, children may need time to adjust.

Providing reassurance and maintaining familiar routines can help them feel more secure.

Here are some practical steps you can take:

• Listen carefully. Give your child opportunities to share their feelings without judging or dismissing them.

• Keep adult disagreements separate. Avoid arguments or criticism of the other parent in front of your child.

• Explain changes in advance. Let your child know what to expect, particularly when routines or handover arrangements change.

• Offer reassurance. Remind your child that both parents love them, where appropriate and safe, and that the separation isn’t their responsibility.

• Avoid asking them to choose sides. Make it clear that adults will take responsibility for decisions about the arrangements.

• Seek additional support when needed. If your child continues to struggle, consider whether support from their school or an appropriately qualified professional might help.

Small adjustments can sometimes make a meaningful difference.

However, rebuilding confidence and helping children settle into new arrangements may take time. Try to remain patient and responsive to their changing needs.

What should I do next if my child keeps refusing contact?

If your child repeatedly says they don’t want to see their other parent, try to look beyond the immediate disagreement.

Their behaviour may indicate that something about the current arrangements needs attention.

Begin by listening to your child and exploring the possible reasons for their reluctance. Above all, take any concerns about their safety seriously.

Where appropriate, talk to your former partner about what might help. You may find that changes to routines, handovers or communication could improve matters.

If you cannot agree, family mediation may help you consider practical arrangements that put your child’s needs first.

At Divorce Nicely, I offer online MIAMs and family mediation to parents across England and Wales.

As an FMC Accredited Family Mediator and Law Society Accredited Mediator, I provide a structured, supportive environment where parents can explore their concerns and work towards suitable arrangements for their children.

If you’re finding it difficult to agree on contact arrangements, you don’t necessarily have to work through the problem alone.

Find out more about Children Arrangements Mediation

Learn more about MIAMs and whether mediation might help

You can find more practical guidance on finances, children, mediation and separation in my Separation and Divorce Advice Hub.