It’s Never Too Early to Think About Christmas Arrangements After Separation

It may only be October.

Christmas can still feel a long way off.

But if you are separated and need to agree where your children will spend Christmas, now is a good time to start talking about it.

Waiting until December can leave very little room to resolve differences.

By then, work rotas may be fixed. Trains and flights may be booked. Grandparents may have made plans. School events will be underway.

Your children may already be asking:

“Where am I going to be at Christmas?”

Starting early does not mean making Christmas complicated.

Quite the opposite.

It gives you time to think about what will work for your children, consider the practical arrangements and deal with any differences before the pressure of Christmas begins.

There is no single Christmas arrangement that works for every separated family.

The aim is to find one that works for your children and your circumstances.

When should separated parents start discussing Christmas arrangements?

Earlier than you might think.

October can feel very early to start talking about Christmas, but it gives you something valuable: time.

If you both agree easily, you can put the arrangements in the diary and move on.

If you do not agree, you still have time to talk, consider other options or use mediation before Christmas becomes an urgent issue.

Starting early can also give your children reassurance.

They do not need every minute of Christmas planned months in advance, but knowing broadly what is happening can remove uncertainty.

Do we need to focus only on who has the children on Christmas Day?

No.

Christmas is much more than 25 December.

There may also be:

• Christmas Eve;
• Boxing Day;
• the school holidays;
• family gatherings;
• visits to grandparents;
• Christmas parties;
• religious services;
• trips away;
• New Year;
• time with friends; and
• quiet days at home.

Looking at the whole holiday can create many more possibilities.

One parent having the children on Christmas Day does not necessarily mean that the other parent has “missed Christmas”.

You might create two celebrations.

You may divide the school holiday into longer blocks.

Perhaps one parent has Christmas Eve and Christmas morning, while the children spend Boxing Day and several days afterwards with the other.

Some families alternate arrangements each year.

Others find a completely different pattern works better.

Do Christmas arrangements have to be 50/50?

No.

An equal division may work very well for some families.

But an exact 50/50 split does not automatically mean that the arrangement works well for the children.

Imagine spending Christmas Day watching the clock because you need to stop one celebration halfway through, pack your belongings and travel to another home.

For some children, that may be perfectly manageable.

For others, it can make Christmas feel rushed and unsettled.

Sometimes fewer handovers and longer uninterrupted periods with each parent create a much more relaxed holiday.

Instead of asking:

“Are we getting exactly the same amount of time?”

it may be more helpful to ask:

“Will this arrangement allow our children to enjoy Christmas?”

Fair does not always have to mean identical.

What if the “usual” Christmas arrangement does not work for our children?

There is no single formula that works for every separated family.

Your children’s ages, routines, wishes, additional needs and the distance between your homes can all affect what is practical.

Very young children may find repeated journeys tiring.

Teenagers may want time with friends.

A child with additional needs may particularly value routine and predictability.

An arrangement that works when parents live ten minutes apart may be very different from one where the journey takes several hours.

Build the arrangement around the children you actually have, rather than around an idea of what a “fair” Christmas ought to look like.

For one family, that may mean splitting Christmas Day.

For another, it might mean longer blocks with each parent, alternating Christmases or celebrating on different days.

The best arrangement is usually the one that gives your children as much certainty and as little unnecessary disruption as possible.

What if we both want Christmas morning?

Christmas Eve and Christmas morning can feel particularly important.

Young children may hang stockings, leave something out for Father Christmas and expect to wake in a particular home.

Both parents may understandably want to be part of those moments.

One option is to alternate Christmas mornings each year.

Another is to create different traditions in each home.

You do not have to reproduce exactly the Christmas you had before separation.

Family life has changed, so some traditions may change too.

Different does not necessarily mean worse.

Children can build happy Christmas memories in both homes.

Should we ask our children where they want to spend Christmas?

Children’s wishes matter.

But listening to your child is different from asking them to choose between their parents.

Try to avoid putting them in the position of answering:

“Do you want to spend Christmas with Mum or Dad?”

A child may feel that choosing one parent means rejecting the other.

Instead, you might ask:

“What is important to you at Christmas?”

or:

“Is there anything you really hope we can include this year?”

A teenager may want to see friends.

A younger child might be worried about whether Father Christmas will know which house they are staying in.

Another may care most about seeing grandparents or keeping a favourite tradition.

Listen to what lies behind the answer.

The adults should remain responsible for making the final arrangements.

What if our children want different things?

Children in the same family do not always have identical needs.

Their ages may be very different.

One may want to spend time with friends while another still wants a traditional family Christmas.

Older or adult children may have jobs, partners or homes of their own. They may be trying to fit in visits to both parents as well as their partner’s family.

You do not necessarily have to insist on one arrangement simply because they are siblings.

At the same time, think carefully before separating younger brothers and sisters during an important family occasion.

There may not be a perfect solution.

The aim is to find an arrangement that makes sense for your particular family.

What if grandparents have already made Christmas plans?

Christmas often involves far more than the two parents.

Grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins may all want time with the children.

You may hear:

“My parents always have everyone for Christmas lunch.”

The other parent may have an equally important tradition.

Extended family relationships can be very valuable for children.

But wider family expectations should not determine the whole Christmas timetable.

Agree what works for the children first.

Then look at how grandparents and other family celebrations can fit around those arrangements.

What if one of us has a new partner?

A first Christmas after separation can already feel unfamiliar.

A new partner, stepchildren or another household can introduce even more change.

Children may enjoy the new celebration while also missing the Christmases they remember.

Those feelings are not mutually exclusive.

Try not to turn Christmas into a competition between the “old family” and a “new family”.

Allow children to enjoy new people and traditions while still acknowledging that some things may feel different.

Give them time to adjust.

How should we deal with Christmas presents?

Presents can become an unexpected source of tension.

One parent may spend considerably more.

You may accidentally buy the same main present.

A child may begin comparing what they receive in each home.

Where communication allows, it can help to discuss significant presents in advance.

You might share ideas, agree who will buy a particular item or simply let each other know about one or two important gifts.

You do not need identical budgets.

Try, though, not to use presents as a way of competing for your child’s affection.

Children benefit far more from being able to enjoy Christmas without feeling that they need to compare their parents.

What if I want to speak to the children when they are with their other parent?

It is completely understandable to want some contact with your children when they are spending Christmas elsewhere.

A short telephone or video call may work well.

You might agree:

“The children can video call Mum at around 10am on Christmas Day.”

or:

“They will call Dad on Christmas Eve before bed.”

Keep it simple.

Try not to create arrangements that interrupt the child’s celebration or make them feel they have to report back.

And remember that not every child enjoys speaking on the telephone.

They may be busy, excited or distracted.

Try not to take a short or reluctant Christmas Day phone call personally.

What if one of us has to work over Christmas?

Many parents cannot simply choose to take Christmas off.

NHS staff, emergency workers, carers, hospitality workers and many others may have fixed shifts.

If you know your work commitments, share them as early as possible.

You may be able to celebrate together on another day.

For a child, “Christmas with Dad” or “Christmas with Mum” does not have to happen on 25 December to be meaningful.

Sometimes moving the celebration rather than squeezing everything into Christmas Day creates a much happier experience.

How can we make Christmas work if we live a long way apart?

Long-distance arrangements need careful planning.

Think about:

• who will travel;
• how long the journey takes;
• train or flight availability;
• the cost of travel;
• passports or other travel documents where relevant;
• school finishing and returning dates; and
• how much of the holiday the children would spend travelling.

Try not to make children undertake unnecessary long journeys simply to create a mathematically equal division of time.

Longer periods with each parent and fewer handovers may work better.

What happens if I want to change the arrangements set out in our Child Arrangements Order?

If you already have a Child Arrangements Order, check carefully what it says about Christmas and the school holidays.

Circumstances can change.

Perhaps an arrangement made several years ago no longer suits your children.

Your work pattern may have changed.

One of you may have moved.

Your children may now be older and have different needs.

Parents can agree between themselves to follow different arrangements. However, an informal agreement to vary the order is not enforceable in the same way as the existing court order.

If you both agree that something needs to change, mediation can give you a place to discuss what might work better for your family.

If you are unsure about the effect of your existing order, or whether it should be changed formally, obtain independent legal advice.

Try to raise any proposed change well before Christmas rather than leaving the disagreement until the school holidays are about to begin.

Should we put our Christmas arrangements in writing?

Yes, I think this can be very helpful.

You do not necessarily need a formal legal document simply because you have agreed arrangements for Christmas.

But writing down what you have agreed can avoid misunderstandings.

Keep it straightforward.

For example:

23 December, 4pm – children go to Dad

Christmas Day, 10am – video call with Mum

27 December, 11am – children return to Mum

30 December – grandparents’ visit

Record who will deal with transport too.

A clear plan means both parents know what is happening.

Most importantly, the children can know as well.

How do we manage our first Christmas apart?

The first Christmas after separation can be particularly difficult.

Perhaps this is the first year you will wake up without your children on Christmas morning.

You may be grieving traditions you expected to continue.

That can hurt even when you know that the arrangements are sensible.

Try not to make your children responsible for making you feel better.

Let them enjoy Christmas with their other parent without feeling guilty about it.

It can also help to make plans for yourself.

Spend time with friends or family.

Create a new tradition.

And remember that celebrating with your children on 23 or 27 December does not make that celebration less meaningful than one held on Christmas Day.

What if we simply cannot agree Christmas arrangements?

This is one reason why October is not too early to start the conversation.

If you discover a disagreement now, you still have time to try to resolve it.

You may be able to talk directly.

A written parenting plan may help.

If communication has become difficult, family mediation for children arrangements may be another option.

I will not decide who “gets” Christmas.

My role is to give you a structured place to consider:

• what matters to each of you;
• your children’s needs and wishes;
• the practical options available;
• travel and handovers;
• wider family commitments; and
• what arrangement might work best for your family.

I can help you explore those options together.

The decisions remain yours.

Mediation can also help when your usual arrangements work well but Christmas is the one issue you cannot resolve.

You do not have to reopen every aspect of your parenting arrangements simply because you need help with one holiday.

If the other parent does not want to mediate, you may also find my article What Happens If My Ex Refuses Mediation? helpful.

Could the Family Mediation Voucher Scheme help with Christmas arrangements?

If mediation involves arrangements for children, your family may be eligible for funding through the Family Mediation Voucher Scheme.

The scheme can provide up to £500 per family towards eligible mediation session time.

It cannot be used towards the MIAM or work outside the eligible mediation session.

I can explain whether your mediation may qualify for the scheme and, where appropriate, make the application.

Is October really not too early to talk about Christmas?

No.

Starting the conversation now gives you something that becomes increasingly scarce as Christmas gets closer: time and choice.

You have time to consider different arrangements.

You have time to talk to your children appropriately.

You have time to deal with work commitments and travel.

And, if you disagree, you have time to try to resolve the issue.

Leaving the conversation until December does not make it easier.

It simply makes it more urgent.

It’s never too early to take the pressure out of Christmas

Christmas after separation may look different.

That does not mean it cannot still be special.

Your children do not need both parents to recreate exactly the Christmas they had before separation.

They need to know what is happening.

They need enough predictability to feel secure.

They need freedom to enjoy their time with each parent.

And they need to know that enjoying Christmas in one home will not upset the parent in the other.

So, if you have not yet discussed Christmas arrangements, you do not need to wait until December.

Starting the conversation now may be one of the simplest ways to make Christmas less stressful for everyone.

If you are finding it difficult to agree arrangements for Christmas or the wider school holidays, family mediation can give you a calm, structured place to explore the options.

At Divorce Nicely, all mediation meetings take place online.

You can start by arranging an individual confidential MIAM. This gives you an opportunity to explain your circumstances privately, understand how mediation could help and decide whether it may be suitable for your family.

You can find more practical guidance on finances, children, mediation and separation in my Separation and Divorce Advice Hub.