If your husband has always dealt with the money, separation can feel particularly daunting.

You may know roughly what comes in each month. Perhaps you also know what the mortgage costs. But you may never have dealt with the savings, pensions, investments or household accounts.

You might not even know exactly what you own between you.

As a result, sorting out your finances after separation can feel overwhelming.

The good news is that you do not have to understand everything at once.

The first step is simply to start building a clearer picture.

Start with what you already know

You do not need to become a financial expert overnight.

Begin with the information that is easy to find.

Ask yourself:

What income comes into the household?
Which bank accounts do you know about?
Whose name is the family home in?
Is there a mortgage?
Do you have savings?
Do either of you have pensions?
Are there loans or credit cards?
Do you own any other property?
Are there investments or shares?
Is there a business?

Do not worry if you cannot answer every question.

For now, you are simply identifying what you know and what you still need to find out.

Gather your own financial information

Next, start gathering documents relating to your own finances.

These might include:

bank statements;
savings account statements;
payslips;
your latest P60;
pension statements;
mortgage information;
credit card statements;
loan balances;
investment statements; and
details of regular household spending.

You may already have many of these online.

If so, create a folder on your computer or somewhere secure.

Keep copies of documents as you find them.

This can make the next stage much less stressful.

Find out what is held jointly

Many couples have a mixture of individual and joint finances.

You might have a joint current account and a joint mortgage.

However, savings or investments may be held in one person’s name.

Pensions will usually be held individually.

There may also be assets that you rarely think about.

For example, one of you might have shares through work. There may be an old pension from a previous employer. There could also be savings accounts that have not been used for several years.

The aim is not to investigate your husband.

It is to understand the financial position you are both trying to resolve.

Do not overlook pensions

Pensions are particularly important when separating later in life.

They can also be one of the easiest assets to overlook.

A pension does not appear in your bank account each month. It can therefore feel less immediate than the house or savings.

Even so, pensions can sometimes be worth a substantial amount.

If your husband has always dealt with the finances, you may have very little idea what pensions either of you have.

That is not unusual.

Both of you will normally need up-to-date pension information when working through your financial disclosure.

In some cases, specialist pension advice may also be helpful.

What about the family home?

For many separating couples, the family home is the biggest asset.

It is also often the most emotional.

You may immediately be thinking:

Can I afford to stay here?

Or:

Will we have to sell?

Try not to make that decision before you understand the wider financial picture.

After all, the value of the house is only one part of it.

My article “Separated But Can’t Afford To Live Apart” may be a useful starting point.

You may also need to consider:

the outstanding mortgage;
each person’s income;
borrowing capacity;
pensions;
savings;
other assets;
debts; and
future housing needs.

Only when you can see the whole picture does it become easier to explore realistic options.

Work out what it currently costs you to live

This is another useful early step.

Look at what you spend now.

Then think about what might change if you live separately.

Consider expenses such as:

mortgage or rent;
council tax;
gas and electricity;
food;
insurance;
car costs;
subscriptions;
mobile phones;
holidays;
childcare;
school costs;
clothing; and
everyday personal spending.

You do not need to produce a perfect budget.

Instead, a realistic estimate is enough to begin with.

Once you have that, understanding your monthly needs can help you make much more informed decisions later.

What is financial disclosure?

If you are trying to resolve finances following separation or divorce, both of you need to understand the financial position.

This is known as financial disclosure.

In simple terms, you each provide information and documents about your finances.

As a result, you begin to build a shared financial picture.

It may include information about property, mortgages, bank accounts, savings, investments, pensions, income, debts and expenditure.

Financial disclosure is an important part of financial mediation.

It means that discussions about possible settlements are based on information rather than assumptions.

What if my husband knows far more about the finances than I do?

This is a concern I often hear.

One person may have dealt with the mortgage, pensions and investments for years.

The other may have managed different parts of family life.

That does not mean you cannot take part effectively in discussions about your finances.

It does mean that you may need information explained clearly.

Ask questions.

Make notes.

Do not feel pressured to make decisions before you understand what is being discussed.

You can also take independent legal or financial advice where appropriate.

Can mediation help us sort out our finances?

Yes.

Family mediation can help separating couples work through their financial arrangements together.

The mediator does not decide what should happen.

Instead, the mediator helps you identify the issues, organise the financial information and explore possible options.

This might include discussions about:

the family home;
savings;
pensions;
debts;
maintenance;
future housing;
affordability; and
how assets could potentially be divided.

Before joint mediation begins, each person usually attends an individual Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM).

This gives you the opportunity to talk privately to the mediator about your situation.

You can also find out how mediation works and whether it might be suitable for you.

What if I need help understanding everything before mediation?

Sometimes you are not ready to sit down and negotiate.

Instead, you may first need to understand what is happening.

That is particularly true if your husband has traditionally dealt with most of the financial decisions.

My Divorce Consultancy service is available on a one-to-one basis.

It can give you space to organise your thoughts and understand the different issues you may need to consider.

You can use a consultation to identify questions you need to ask, think about practical next steps and prepare yourself for discussions with your husband, a mediator or your solicitor.

It is not a replacement for independent legal advice.

However, it can help you feel much clearer about the process and the choices ahead.

You do not need to agree everything immediately

When a relationship ends, there can be pressure to solve everything quickly.

You may want certainty.

Your husband may already have suggestions about what should happen.

But important financial decisions deserve time.

First, establish the facts.

Then understand your needs.

After that, you can begin looking at different options.

You do not need to agree to a proposal simply because it is the first one suggested.

Avoid making decisions based only on the house

It is easy to focus almost entirely on keeping the family home.

For some people, that may be the right outcome.

However, for others, it may not be financially sustainable.

Keeping more of the equity in the house, for example, could affect how other assets are dealt with.

Pensions may also need careful consideration.

A settlement that looks attractive today may feel very different when you consider retirement income and longer-term financial security.

For that reason, seeing the whole financial picture matters.

Five useful first steps

If you are unsure where to begin, start here:

Gather your own financial documents.
Make a list of the assets, pensions and debts you know about.
Write down anything you do not understand or cannot locate.
Work out roughly what you need each month.
Get information before making major financial decisions.

You do not have to untangle your entire financial life in one weekend.

Take it one stage at a time.

Knowledge gives you choices

If your husband has always dealt with the money, separation may leave you feeling as though you are starting several steps behind.

You are not.

The important thing is to start asking questions.

Gather information.

Understand what you have.

Next, consider what you need.

Then explore your options.

The clearer the financial picture becomes, the easier it is to take part in meaningful discussions about your future.

Need help working out what happens next?

At Divorce Nicely, I offer online family mediation, MIAMs and one-to-one Divorce Consultancy for people going through separation and divorce.

If you are trying to understand your financial position before deciding what to do next, you can start with an individual conversation.

You do not need to have everything worked out before you make contact.

Sometimes the most useful first step is simply understanding what your next step should be.

Get in touch

Important disclaimer
The information in this article is for general guidance only and is not to be considered legal advice. Every family situation is different, and you should not rely on this information as a substitute for taking personalised advice about your own circumstances. Reading this article does not create a client relationship. If you would like advice about your own situation, you should seek independent legal advice or contact Divorce Nicely to discuss whether mediation or divorce consultancy may be suitable for you.

My Husband Has Always Dealt With the Money – How Do I Start Untangling Our Finances?