It is common for one person in a relationship to understand the finances better than the other.
Perhaps your husband has always dealt with the mortgage.
Maybe he has managed the pensions, investments or savings.
You may know very little about how everything is structured.
If you are now separating, this can create a real worry.
Will I be at a disadvantage in mediation if I don’t understand the finances?
The answer is not necessarily.
Mediation is not a test of who knows the most about money.
However, you do need enough information and understanding to take part properly and make informed decisions.
Financial confidence does not mean financial control
One person may sound very confident when discussing money.
They may already know the key figures.
Pensions and investments might be familiar territory to them.
A clear view about what should happen next may already have formed.
That can feel intimidating if you have never dealt with the finances yourself.
However, confidence does not give someone greater authority in mediation.
Nor does knowing the figures mean that their preferred outcome is automatically the right one.
Financial mediation is about looking at the overall position and exploring possible ways forward.
It is not about allowing the person who knows the most to dictate the outcome.
You do not have to understand everything immediately
Financial information can be complicated.
Pensions can be difficult to understand.
Business interests may require further explanation.
Investments, mortgages and tax issues can also raise questions.
No one expects you to understand everything the first time you see it.
If something is unclear, you can ask for an explanation.
You may also need time between mediation sessions to consider the information.
That is perfectly reasonable.
Important financial decisions should not be made simply because you feel under pressure to respond quickly.
What if my husband talks over me or dominates the discussion?
This can be a more important concern than financial knowledge itself.
Someone may be confident, articulate and used to making financial decisions.
The other person may be less comfortable challenging them.
If that has been the pattern throughout the relationship, it can continue after separation.
Mediators are trained to consider how people communicate and whether both participants are able to take part effectively.
The mediator does not act for either person.
However, the mediator is responsible for managing the mediation process.
That includes making sure that each person has an opportunity to speak, ask questions and consider the issues being discussed.
What is the mediator’s role in financial mediation?
The mediator remains neutral throughout the process.
Rather than advising either person what to accept, their role is to support informed discussion.
Any decisions remain with the two of you.
Instead, the mediator helps you work through the issues in a structured way.
In financial mediation, this includes identifying what information is needed before meaningful discussions can take place.
The mediator can also help identify areas where you may need further information or professional input.
The aim is to help both of you participate in an informed discussion.
Why does financial disclosure matter in mediation?
Before you can make sensible decisions, you need a clear picture of the financial position.
That usually means exchanging financial disclosure.
As part of financial disclosure, you will usually exchange information about:
- income;
- property;
- mortgages;
- savings;
- investments;
- pensions;
- debts; and
- business interests.
The purpose is not simply to produce paperwork.
It is to help both of you understand what exists.
If your main concern is that you do not yet know what assets you have or where to start, you may also find my article “My Husband Has Always Dealt With the Money – How Do I Start Untangling Our Finances?” helpful.
What if I do not understand the financial disclosure?
You are allowed to ask questions.
You do not have to pretend to understand something because you feel embarrassed.
Many people come into mediation having had very little involvement with the family finances.
That is not unusual.
A pension statement may need further explanation.
An investment might raise questions that you want answered.
Where a figure is unclear, ask how it has been calculated or where it has come from.
You should understand the information that you are relying on before making decisions about your future.
What if information is missing?
Sometimes further information is needed before mediation can move forward.
A pension valuation may be out of date.
A mortgage figure may need updating.
There may be questions about an investment, business or property.
If important information is missing, it may not be appropriate to move immediately into settlement discussions.
Financial mediation depends on both people having enough information to make informed decisions.
What if I am worried that assets are being hidden?
This is different from simply not understanding the finances.
If you believe your former partner has not provided important financial information, raise this with the mediator.
You may also need independent legal advice.
Mediation relies on open financial disclosure.
If either of you does not provide significant financial information, that may affect whether mediation can continue.
Your individual Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM) gives you an opportunity to raise these concerns privately before joint mediation begins.
What if I am frightened of challenging my ex about money?
Again, this is not simply a question of financial knowledge.
It may be about the dynamic between you.
Perhaps your former partner has always controlled financial decisions.
You may find it difficult to disagree with them.
You may worry about their reaction if you question what they are saying.
Raise these concerns during your MIAM so that the mediator can consider them as part of the assessment.
A mediator must consider whether mediation is suitable and whether each person will be able to participate safely and effectively.
A mediator should not recommend mediation simply because both people say they are willing to attend.
Suitability matters too.
Do I have to agree during the mediation session?
No.
Mediation is a process.
You do not need to accept a proposal immediately.
Take time to reflect on what you have discussed.
Check any figures that are unclear before you respond.
You may also want to take independent legal advice.
Financial advice can help you understand the longer-term effect of different options.
Taking time to understand a proposal is very different from refusing to engage with mediation.
It can be an important part of making a careful decision.
Can I take legal advice during mediation?
Yes.
In fact, independent legal advice can be very helpful.
The mediator can provide legal information, but cannot advise either of you personally.
A solicitor can advise you about your own position.
You may therefore choose to take legal advice between mediation sessions.
That can be particularly useful if you are uncertain about a proposal or do not understand its longer-term implications.
What if pensions or businesses are involved?
Some financial issues are simply too complex to resolve through discussion alone.
Pensions are a good example.
A business can be another.
In those situations, a specialist can help you understand the issues and the possible options.
The fact that you need expert help does not mean you have failed to understand the finances.
It simply means that the issue requires specialist knowledge.
Even financially experienced people often need advice about pensions, tax or business valuations.
Being less financially experienced does not mean being less capable
This is worth remembering.
You may have spent years focusing on children, work or other responsibilities while your spouse dealt with the money.
That does not mean you are incapable of making financial decisions.
It may simply mean that you need time, information and the opportunity to ask questions.
The mediation process should allow for that.
What can I do before financial mediation?
You do not need to become a financial expert.
However, it can help to write down your concerns.
Think about what you do not understand.
Make a list of questions.
Consider whether there are areas where you may need professional advice.
Most importantly, do not assume that you have to keep up with someone who has spent years dealing with the finances.
You are entitled to understand the information before making decisions.
How Divorce Nicely can help
If you are considering mediation, the first step is usually an individual MIAM.
This gives you the opportunity to discuss your circumstances privately.
You can explain any concerns about financial imbalance, communication or your ability to participate effectively.
If mediation is suitable, financial mediation can then help you work through disclosure and explore possible ways forward.
All Divorce Nicely mediation meetings take place online.
If you are not yet ready for mediation, Divorce Nicely also offers one-to-one divorce consultancy to help you understand the process and prepare for the discussions ahead.
This is separate from the mediator’s neutral role.
It can help you become clearer about the questions you need to ask and the options you may wish to explore.
So, will I be at a disadvantage?
Not simply because your husband understands the finances better than you do.
The greater risk is making important decisions before you understand the information.
You do not have to know everything at the beginning.
Ask questions as you go.
Take time to consider the information carefully.
Seek independent legal or financial advice when you need it.
And you should not feel pressured to agree simply because the other person appears more financially confident.
Mediation works best when both people are able to understand the issues, participate in the discussion and make informed decisions about their future.
The information in this article is for general guidance only and is not to be considered legal advice. Every family situation is different, and you should not rely on this information as a substitute for taking personalised advice about your own circumstances. Reading this article does not create a client relationship. If you would like advice about your own situation, you should seek independent legal advice or contact Divorce Nicely to discuss whether mediation or divorce consultancy may be suitable for you.