Many people going through a divorce or separation find themselves caught between two worries.
You do not want an expensive or hostile battle.
At the same time, you do not want to agree to something simply to keep the peace or to get things done quickly.
Perhaps you want an amicable divorce without losing out, but you worry that being reasonable could leave you at a disadvantage.
However, it does not have to be one or the other.
You can take a constructive approach while still asking questions, setting boundaries and giving yourself enough time to make important decisions.
Having an amicable divorce does not mean agreeing to everything
There is a difference between avoiding unnecessary conflict and avoiding difficult conversations.
It can be sensible not to argue over every small point. However, being co-operative does not mean accepting a financial proposal that you do not understand.
Equally, you can question arrangements for the children if you do not believe they will work in practice.
Nor do you have to make an important decision simply because the other person wants an immediate answer.
In other words, a constructive separation can still involve discussion and negotiation.
You are allowed to say:
- I need more information.
- It may be good to take some time to think about that.
- Can you explain how you reached that figure.
- I would like to explore another option.
- I want to take legal advice before I decide.
None of those responses creates unnecessary conflict.
Instead, they help you make a more informed decision.
You do not have to negotiate at someone else’s pace
Separation can create a strong sense of urgency.
For example, one person may have spent months thinking about leaving. The other may only just be coming to terms with what is happening.
As a result, you may be at very different stages.
Your former partner might already have a proposed financial settlement, a plan for the family home or firm ideas about the children.
However, that does not mean you have to respond immediately.
Important decisions need proper consideration.
Therefore, if you feel rushed, give yourself time.
Gather the information you need. Ask questions. Take legal advice where appropriate.
Ultimately, you are more likely to feel comfortable with a decision if you have had enough time to understand it first.
Co-operation works best when both people have enough information
You cannot make sensible decisions without understanding what you are deciding about.
This matters particularly when finances are involved.
Before discussing possible financial arrangements, you will usually need a clear picture of the financial position. That may include property, mortgages, savings, pensions, income and debts.
If your former partner has always dealt with the money, you may find my article My Husband Has Always Dealt With the Money – How Do I Start Untangling Our Finances? helpful.
Alternatively, you may worry that you will be at a disadvantage because you understand less about the finances. I look at that separately in my article: Will I Be at a Disadvantage in Mediation If I Don’t Understand the Finances?
This article, however, focuses on a different question.
Once you have the information, how do you take part constructively without feeling pressured into an agreement?
Understanding the figures is one part of the process. Equally important is feeling able to question proposals and take time over important decisions.
Mediation does not require you to give in
Some people worry that choosing family mediation for divorce means they will have to keep compromising until an agreement is reached.
However, that is not how mediation works.
Mediation gives you both a structured space to explore possible solutions.
The mediator does not decide the outcome. Nor can one person force the other to accept a proposal through mediation.
Instead, you can identify the issues, exchange relevant information and consider different options.
You may decide to compromise on some points. However, compromise is not the same as giving in.
A workable agreement should reflect careful discussion and informed decisions by both of you.
Throughout the process, you remain responsible for the choices you make.
In addition, you can take independent legal advice before reaching a final agreement.
Asking questions can make mediation more effective
You do not need to arrive at mediation with all the answers.
In fact, asking questions is often an important part of the process.
For example:
- What would happen if we sold the family home?
- Could either of us afford to keep it?
- What would each option mean for our monthly finances?
- Have we considered the pensions?
- What happens if circumstances change?
- Is there another option we have not explored?
As a family mediator, my role is to help you identify the issues, provide structure and support a constructive discussion.
I remain neutral and impartial. Therefore, I do not tell either of you what you should agree to.
Where appropriate, I can provide legal information. You may also choose to take independent legal advice before making final decisions.
Mediation and legal advice can therefore work alongside each other.
Watch out for pressure to agree quickly
Sometimes the difficulty is not open conflict.
Instead, it is feeling under pressure to make a decision before you are ready.
You might hear comments such as:
- “This is obviously fair.”
- “We don’t need solicitors involved.”
- “If you don’t agree, we’ll end up in court.”
- “I’ve worked it all out for us.”
The proposal may ultimately be reasonable.
However, you do not have to accept it simply because it has been presented confidently or urgently.
If the decision matters, take time to understand it.
Ask for the information you need. Consider other options. In addition, take independent legal advice where appropriate.
Doing that does not make you difficult.
Instead, it helps you make a decision you understand and can stand by.
Focus your energy on the decisions that matter most
Separation can make even small disagreements feel significant.
For example, a dispute about furniture, belongings or who said what may carry a lot of emotion.
Meanwhile, decisions about the family home, pensions, income or arrangements for the children can affect you for years.
It can therefore help to ask yourself:
Will this decision still matter to me in five years?
If the answer is no, you may decide not to spend too much time or energy on it.
If the answer is yes, however, give it the attention it deserves.
Choosing where to focus your energy does not mean avoiding difficult issues.
Instead, it means making sure the most important decisions do not get lost in the conflict around them.
You can be reasonable and still have boundaries
A clear boundary does not need to sound confrontational.
For example, you may want full financial information before discussing possible settlement options.
You might also prefer proposals to be explored in mediation rather than through repeated emails or messages.
In addition, you may decide not to make a final decision until you have taken independent legal advice.
These are reasonable boundaries.
As a result, they can help you stay focused and reduce the risk of making decisions under pressure.
Being co-operative does not mean giving up your right to ask questions, take time or seek advice.
What if I am not ready for mediation yet?
You may want to avoid a battle but still feel unsure about what to do next.
Perhaps you do not yet know what needs to be discussed. Alternatively, you may want time to understand your options before involving your former partner.
An individual MIAM – Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting can help you explore whether family mediation may be suitable.
A MIAM is private and confidential. You attend on your own and can explain what is happening from your perspective.
During the meeting, we can discuss how mediation works, the issues you may need to address and the other ways of resolving matters if mediation is not appropriate.
Importantly, you do not have to decide at the meeting that you want to proceed with mediation.
If you are not ready for mediation, or would prefer support just for yourself, one-to-one divorce support may be another option.
This gives you space to look at your situation more clearly, identify the questions you need to answer and think through your possible next steps.
As a result, understanding where you stand can make the next conversation feel much more manageable.
Being reasonable can still mean having an amicable divorce whilst also protecting your future
Wanting an amicable separation is a positive starting point.
However, it does not mean avoiding every disagreement or accepting the first proposal put forward.
You can listen and still ask questions.
By compromising you can still have boundaries.
You can take a constructive approach while also seeking independent legal advice.
Most importantly, give yourself enough time to understand the decisions you are being asked to make.
The aim is not to win a battle.
Instead, it is to reach decisions that you understand, have considered carefully and can feel confident about moving forward with.
Not sure what your next step should be?
If you are separating and want to keep matters constructive without feeling pressured into decisions, you do not have to work everything out on your own.
For example, family mediation can give you both a structured space to discuss children, finances, property and other practical arrangements.
If you want to explore whether mediation may be suitable, an individual MIAM is usually the first step.
Alternatively, if you are not ready to involve your former partner and would prefer support for yourself, one-to-one divorce support can help you understand your options and prepare for your next steps.
The information in this article is for general guidance only and is not to be considered legal advice. Every family situation is different, and you should not rely on this information as a substitute for taking personalised advice about your own circumstances. Reading this article does not create a client relationship. If you would like advice about your own situation, you should seek independent legal advice or contact Divorce Nicely to discuss whether mediation or divorce consultancy may be suitable for you.